A wee while ago I had a chat with a lady who had all these to say, I felt it needed to be shared as there are people out there with similar problems I certainly fall into that category….so I wrote her story in the form of a diary …..Here it goes:
For me today, this constant feeling of rejection, failure and loneliness is very stifling. I feel so alone. I can’t seem to figure anything out. Nothing seems to work for me. I feel constantly laughed at and sneered at. I am 27 years old, have no man, no friends, no proper job. I am still living at home with my mother who constantly treats me as a child.
It’s heart-breaking because when convenient for her, I am an adult with no prospects in life and other times I am treated like a petulant child. I want so bad to just disappear and fade away. I want to be invisible. My mother has contributed so much to my constant loneliness. I recall years ago when I was so excited to have made new friends, how she made me feel so guilty of finding new friends, she made me feel like I had abandoned her. I just want to break free. How do I do that?? How do I break free??
I feel as though God has just abandoned me to whatever Fate is assigned for me. I am constantly depressed and suicidal nowadays. I know I shouldn’t give up, but honestly I am just so fed up. I try so hard to go on living, but I really do wish I could just be dead and this world to its pain and suffering. I visualise being knocked down by a car or being shot or just dropping down dead or sleeping and just never waking up. I know I shouldn’t have such negative feeling towards myself but Dear God I am overwhelmed by these feelings. I can’t get my head around it. Is this my doing or is this the doing of so-called principalities and evil forces that followed me from Nigeria?
I have no one to talk to! No one to share my pain with. No loved one to say I feel this way. No father to console me. All I get is constant criticism and jabs of how unintelligent I am now, how fat I am, how I am this and that… I get talked to like I am nobody. Did I really just let this happen to me? Is this the price I get for being a good girl, for doing as I am told my whole life, for striving to be the best daughter, for not being a rebel? Is this the thank you I get? My head and heart hurts so much from carrying all this burden.
All I can do is write it out to vent my frustration. Does it help to write? How do I get the solution to my problems? I feel so isolated and cast aside. My father wants nothing to do with me, my mother is constantly being condescending to me. I keep dating lying cheating scumbags. I can’t find anyone to truly love me or even be my friends. I am a hard worker. So why are all these things happening to me? Why can’t I catch a break?
Has God chosen to turn a deaf ear to me because I am a sinner? But surely there are people out there that sin a lot more than I have ever done in my life and yet their prayers get answered? So why not me? If I am truly meant to be great, then how can I be great if every door keeps getting slammed in my face?
I feel dead on the inside. So hollow, so empty. I don’t even know if I have anything to offer or give anyone anymore. I just want to crawl up and disappear from the face of the earth. My heart is heavy with grieving, my eyes filled with unshed tears, my face is swollen and blotched from crying myself to sleep at night. My head hurts from pulling the muscles and veins while weeping. How long will I continue in this pain and suffering?
I feel as though God has left me. Is it wrong to just want to be happy? I only have one wish one….and that wish…is to have one day or week of pure happiness. No strings attached happiness and contentment. Is that really too much to ask for? To be happy for a day or a week….just to see what it feels like to be burden free, to celebrate, rejoice, be carefree, to marvel at the wondrous beauty of the world?
Is that wish so unrealistic? Sometimes I really do wish there was a Genie in a lamp somewhere just like Aladdin had!!
What say you all to this story?